It's easy to see a big picture. We understand it - we know exactly what it is (unless it's modern art, in which case you at least know that you're too provincial to get it). But when you look closely, you see the details. The painstaking layers of paint and gesso applied, erased, reapplied. The brushstrokes that start hesitantly and then grow bold. The exact lines and the curved lines. Without the details, the big picture would never come to be.
Life is that way. It's easy to envision the big picture - happy family, financial security, fulfillment. What's tricky is the details that get you there. The minutes and hours and days that make up the months and years that eventually make up your life. Experts say you need a vision for you life if you want to make something of it. I don't disagree - after all, before there can be a painting there has to be an idea of a painting - but I do think that finding the path to that vision can be a lot more work than we anticipate.
I'm in the closing years of twenties. When I think back over the past almost-decade, my biggest regret is that I spent too much time being unhappy. Most of the unhappiness was the result of jobs I hated, particularly the one I had right out of college and later one at the place that is my personal Voldemort (the Giant-Tech-Company-That-Must-Not-Be-Named). I kept both these jobs for two-plus years because they provided what I needed. I let two companies suck the joy out of my life and the life out of me because I put practicality over fulfillment. Never again, I vowed.
And now here I am again. Doing a part-time contract gig that's fine. It's easy. I can do it during naptime. But it's so boring. On calls, I type almost verbatim notes just to keep myself awake. I find myself wondering how anyone can dredge up such enthusiasm for nothingness. For jobs that make not a shred of difference and are just endless, acronym-filled calls with pretty slide decks (although I love listening to people talk about the way their jobs change the world...it's probably the most creative they ever get to be at work). I think I have an allergy to corporate Kool-Aid.
I know what I want my Big Picture to be. It's my family. That's so easy to say, but what are the brushstrokes of that family portrait? What do I want my days to look like? That's what I don't know yet. When people talk about raising children, I wish they'd talk more about what that looks like. What does raising a one-year-old look like? What does it mean to do it well and how do I know if I am? How does child bearing and rearing fit with a career? Does it? What if I hate that career but have no idea what would be better?
These are the questions that haunt me right now. I have the big vision but I don't have the tactical execution plan. But maybe that's part of trusting. Aligning your strategy with His vision and then trusting Him to help you sort out the details. Line by line. Day by day. Stroke by stroke.
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